April 24, 2025
Ian sent me a text last night. “Happy 4th anniversary to the relationship we never had… !”
For a while I thought of what happened on the 23rd of April, 2021. I had to do a quick scan on my diary to see if I had written something around that time. And then I saw it.
Ian looked deep into my eyes while we were having lunch. He saw my soul.. and tugged my heart.
That was the first time I finally acknowledged something was going on between us. His marriage was on the rocks and I still can’t get over my past boyfriend. But somehow, there is an indefinite something. An unexplainable emotion that both of us feel.
I’ve asked Google for some facts and learned that it was on the 2nd month of shooting. Surely, you’ve heard of the film Don Juana, right? We were both sex addicts. I bet you watched it a thousand times.
Anyway, the whole production lasted for more than a year, with the principal photography and the post coinciding. Ian and I were together for 8 months. We traveled a lot for the film, and the whole team seem to know that there was something.
On the 6th month, Ms. L the director, Ian, and I went to a motel room to shoot yet another sex scene. We only rented the place for an hour because Ms. L was confident we’d nail it less than the given time. But 30 minutes have past and we still didn’t get the perfect take we’re looking for.
Ian was feasting on my neck when the director yelled “Cut!” And then suddenly, Ian suggested that we should make it real. It was a mistake to leave the porn doubles at the city, obviously. But I don’t know what got into me when I immediately agreed to his proposal. Ms. L didn’t say anything but her actions said we were all in this.
Ian and I made love(?) passionately. And rather aggressively. But it was not what you saw on the film. The three of us decided to burn the memory card and keep that secret forever.
We slept together again on the 8th month. I remember telling him that this was wrong when he came rushing on my room to kiss me. But he said that we both want it. And he’s right, we wanted it, needed it even.
He asked me that night, “Why can’t we be together?” To which I answered, “We just can’t, it’s that simple.”
We talked about his wife and my ex. How we both know we’ll be able to fix our own problems. That I still love that man and that they’ll never get a divorce.
He told me to not think of that while we’re together. Since our time was ticking. I told him he was like the boyfriend I never had in high school. He said I was like the mistress he’ll never get. And that ours was a relationship that will never be.
Throughout the shoot, Ian would hug me when he got a chance. Usually that happened when we’re left alone on a set. But I remember we kissed a lot on the plane, while everyone was sleeping.
The last time we hugged each other was during the after party of the awards night. I didn’t get another Best Actress nor did he receive a first Best Actor, but we got the Best Picture, which was all we ever dreamed of.
Today, Ian has a 3-year-old. And I’m married to the man I’ve always loved for about a year and a half. I don’t know why he sent me a message. Maybe it just so happened that it was April 23 and he remembered the lunch we had four years ago. Or he could have planted that moment (and date) in his mind without knowing it. Or perhaps, I unexpectedly appeared in his mind. Like how he occasionally does in mine.
I decided not to text Ian to greet him back. After all, it was a relationship we never had.