I’m tired of looking at something I can’t have. I constantly block my senses from working—my eyes from seeing, the thought from coming, and the feelings(!)—almost hating them for functioning properly. But the itch on my heart just keeps growing, gently and then suddenly.
I’m tired of living in the back of my mind instead of walking with reality. My body is hungry and it’s craving for something definite, something real. But the world I made for myself is bewitching.
I’m tired of wanting prohibited dreams. People. And things. But my ears stubbornly listen to my articulate brain talking its way through things by teaming up with my very desires.
We’re tired of liking something we can’t have. But we do it anyway. Because the thought of it is thrilling, our eyes spark for it’s fireworks that we see, and the feelings(!), unlike any that we know of. We’re tired, but we keep on thinking anyway. For it deceives our minds and makes us happy for a moment; happy because of an imagination and even though happiness is a myth. We’re tired but we keep on wanting, on yearning the prohibited. Because no matter how much we try to fool ourselves that everything will be better if we follow the right track, the impalpable forces will pull us back to show us what we truly love.
Most people make a decision not because that’s what they want, but because that’s what they should pick. Which I think is funny. For once again, we let the society dictate our happiness.
There’s a reason why I’m secretive most of the time. It takes a while before I share problems to friends coz 1) they also have something to mind for their own, 2) I want to get through the obstacle first, or at least be halfway there, and 3) no one really cares (why? look at 1). I’m not being a pessimist here, I’m just being honest. But I wouldn’t go on talking about problems. You could read this if you want. I looked it up after writing 3.
As selfish as it may sound, I want certain things to keep to myself. Dating, for example. I wouldn’t tell my friends that I’m seeing someone (I wouldn’t even tell them if I like someone). But I wouldn’t keep it for a long time either. Just a few months or so. Because I want to be sure.
In this day and age, it’s hard to know whether you really like something or someone or you just like it because the people around you do. It’s a world full of uncertainties and you wouldn’t want your mind messed up all the damn time. Almost everything is digital now that once your friends find out the name of your date, the next step would definitely be a search online. Then comes their judgments, opinions, and whatnot. And those are the things that I’m avoiding.
It’s not that I don’t want to hear what they think, it’s because I want to hear my thoughts clearer. No matter how much I say to myself that it’s still my decision, their sentiments will not remain unheard. It will creep into my mind and somehow influence my choice. I value my friends, but I will not go about seeking their approval on something that will primarily change my life. (Although I actually think that in this aspect, all of us are the same. And I know we’ll support each other.)
So until I make up my mind into something, specifically liking someone or dating and wanting to spend more time with him, I will not share it to my friends (even my mom?). We have to listen more to ourselves than the people around us on things like this. Because only then can we tell ourselves that the decision is ours and definite.