Rainbows and People

Bitter, Poetry

I saw a rainbow earlier this day, when the street was just damp after the light rain.

You are like the rainbow. I didn’t notice when it first came out because of the vastness of the sky and the earthly things I was surrounded by, but when I did, I was mesmerized.

I watched it intently, spellbound by the striking character it unapologetically gives off. Honestly, I thought the rainbow was cocky. Which is bad, even though it has the bragging rights to be.

But little did I know that it was just pretentious. In a sad way that makes me want to hug it tight, hold onto it, and never let it go. The bright colors it shows us are limited and the reason why it places itself up so high is to avoid seeing (and feeling) the happiness in the world.

For rainbows cannot stay here forever.

And just as gradually as the rainbow fades from the sky, you casually walked away from my life.

Daily Post’s This Is Your Life. [Photo]

P.S. This would be one of the many entries in the book of my life, but I would never want to read all that has and all that will ever happen in mine.

Emotions

Strange

I recently read a post about happiness and what struck me the most are the first two paragraphs. It questions the quest for happiness and why everyone strive for it even though it’s not constant.

Emotions are not fixed states, they ebb and flow. We do not expect to always feel angry or sad so why does a state of happiness feel like something we should aim for?

I was suddenly asking myself the same thing after reading it. And then I thought of all the other emotions out there and their importance.

I think the emotions build each other up. You wouldn’t be happy unless you’ve experienced being sad. You wouldn’t have known anger unless you’ve been calm. You wouldn’t recognize courage unless you’ve met fear. And you wouldn’t feel this certain emotion unless you’ve learned of their opposite.

Happiness, however, is the state everyone wants to be in because, let’s face it, who wants to be sad? But we should also allow ourselves to take in different emotions. Feel them and give time for them to stay. Ponder some more and reflect on the contrasting moods they offer. Be a little more comfortable and you might find yourself less troubled.

Almost all of us are struggling for happiness, and I don’t think it’s a good sight.

Demand for Authenticity

Bitter

Illustrations-Diego-Fernandez-11I’m tired of looking at something I can’t have. I constantly block my senses from working—my eyes from seeing, the thought from coming, and the feelings(!)—almost hating them for functioning properly. But the itch on my heart just keeps growing, gently and then suddenly.

I’m tired of living in the back of my mind instead of walking with reality. My body is hungry and it’s craving for something definite, something real. But the world I made for myself is bewitching.

I’m tired of wanting prohibited dreams. People. And things. But my ears stubbornly listen to my articulate brain talking its way through things by teaming up with my very desires.

We’re tired of liking something we can’t have. But we do it anyway. Because the thought of it is thrilling, our eyes spark for it’s fireworks that we see, and the feelings(!), unlike any that we know of. We’re tired, but we keep on thinking anyway. For it deceives our minds and makes us happy for a moment; happy because of an imagination and even though happiness is a myth. We’re tired but we keep on wanting, on yearning the prohibited. Because no matter how much we try to fool ourselves that everything will be better if we follow the right track, the impalpable forces will pull us back to show us what we truly love.

[Photo]

Dating and Secrets

Strange

Most people make a decision not because that’s what they want, but because that’s what they should pick. Which I think is funny. For once again, we let the society dictate our happiness.

There’s a reason why I’m secretive most of the time. It takes a while before I share problems to friends coz 1) they also have something to mind for their own, 2) I want to get through the obstacle first, or at least be halfway there, and 3) no one really cares (why? look at 1). I’m not being a pessimist here, I’m just being honest. But I wouldn’t go on talking about problems. You could read this if you want. I looked it up after writing 3.

As selfish as it may sound, I want certain things to keep to myself. Dating, for example. I wouldn’t tell my friends that I’m seeing someone (I wouldn’t even tell them if I like someone). But I wouldn’t keep it for a long time either. Just a few months or so. Because I want to be sure.

In this day and age, it’s hard to know whether you really like something or someone or you just like it because the people around you do. It’s a world full of uncertainties and you wouldn’t want your mind messed up all the damn time. Almost everything is digital now that once your friends find out the name of your date, the next step would definitely be a search online. Then comes their judgments, opinions, and whatnot. And those are the things that I’m avoiding.

It’s not that I don’t want to hear what they think, it’s because I want to hear my thoughts clearer. No matter how much I say to myself that it’s still my decision, their sentiments will not remain unheard. It will creep into my mind and somehow influence my choice. I value my friends, but I will not go about seeking their approval on something that will primarily change my life. (Although I actually think that in this aspect, all of us are the same. And I know we’ll support each other.)

So until I make up my mind into something, specifically liking someone or dating and wanting to spend more time with him, I will not share it to my friends (even my mom?). We have to listen more to ourselves than the people around us on things like this. Because only then can we tell ourselves that the decision is ours and definite.

[Photo]

Bruises

Bitter

It’s funny how a simple sentence can make you feel bad. Typed or uttered. A conversation that was supposed to be fun and engaging suddenly punched your heart, making it heavy and bruise-friendly. Good thing is, bruises heal and last for only a while. It will not leave a mark and the impact is weak, as if the pain was barely there. It’s forgettable. And that’s just how I like it.

Bruises in my heart, like a foolish kind of happiness, make me think and question myself. Why was I bruised? Did I do something wrong? Am I too sensitive? (I’m not, believe me.) Or am just thinking that I’m the victim when it’s really the other way around?

Oh gosh it’s complicated.

What I also don’t get is how I accept these bruises, how I embrace them. Maybe because they push me to a better state than where I was aka becoming a better version of myself. Or maybe because being in pain, no matter how little that is, gives me strength and compels me to be more alive, or to live more in the way I want.

Yeah. I’m asking questions I already know the answers to. Coz I feel like it. Coz that’s what I wanna do right now, in my life. Sometimes, having a messy mind is fine. And I mean it when I say sometimes you know. And let me use this term today so as to end this post, sorrynotsorry.

Childhood

Poetry

The gang’s intimacy
Shouting on ears
Running around barefoot
Bad things we see
Tangible playmates
Physical activities
These things I miss
Instead of technologies

That was so long ago
But I would give up
All my gadgets
For a day
Of solid happiness

This is in response to the Daily Post’s writing prompt Going Obsolete.

The Search Is On

Strange

You’re searching for something that is not hard to find. And yet you don’t see it.

Like happiness. And hope. Maybe someone who cares? Love? Or perhaps, a job. You keep thinking you’re alone. That some people are moving too fast you can’t keep up. You ask questions. Why do the others seem to get what they want easily? We’re not the same, yes, but it feels like everyone else has the things that you can’t get a hold of. You keep going. Because you have to. You keep looking. Because you want to.

They say love is just around the corner. The kind that makes your insides go wild. And they say hope is everywhere, just waiting for you to cling on to one. Happiness… ah, it never goes out of style. The people who care are left unnoticed. But they still remain, so appreciate them, accept them. And of course, the right job will come to you. Wait, is that it or you will find the right job instead? Oh I don’t know.

looking-for-something

I’m searching for something that is not hard to find. And yet I can’t see it. And yet I haven’t got a hold of it. But I keep going, because I have to. And I keep looking, because I want to.

[Photo]

The Zizis

Sweet

It is a good thing to be rich, and it is a good thing to be strong, but it is a better thing to be loved of many friends. ~Euripides
ziziszizis2Our friends are one of the best things that happened to us. And I know that I will keep mine forever. Even if forever isn’t enough. Even if forever doesn’t exist. It’s the forever that I choose to believe in.