falling in love
is as certain
as the day ends,
would be easier.
fell in love
as the day ends,
to someone else.
I decided not to open my Facebook account. For how long, I’m not sure. Only my millennial craving for news that are “worth my time” and for events that I’m interested in could tell, not to mention the virtual affection I formed with my friends.
I’m fully aware that Facebook lessens my productivity. Instead of writing more bittersweet sensations, or just do anything, I spend most of my free time scrolling down on an endless pile of updates I need to read, movies I should watch at least once in my life, places I have to visit, and restaurants I must try. Social media, like a tattoo, is addicting; not creating another account once you’ve experienced the “connection” you have with the world is just as hard as not getting another tattoo once you’ve experienced the feel good pain it gives you. Just a few weeks ago, I created an Instagram account to “document” and share whatever I feel like.
But who can a twenty-something girl blame but herself? On one hand, social media (Facebook particularly) provides me information not just about my friends but also on the things that I like and we have to thank the sometimes annoying profiling for that but on the other, it limits me to be more creative and active in the real world.
There was a point in my life when things run smoother and time management is easier. Then I became a prisoner in the beneficial advancements of my own generation, feeling lazy and thinking that since I have nothing to do might as well log in here and sign up there, when there’s actually a lot of things to do, if only I could drop down my phone for a minute, or even a second.
To be honest, though, I like the sharing part in social media. It’s my stubborn little finger scrolling down infinitely that I come to despise. It’s my lazy mind and tired eyes, wanting to know more, waiting to know more, when there’s no more.
But I’m pretty sure I’ll reconcile with Facebook after a few weeks or so. I was able to do without it for a month before. It’s not really a necessity, but it’s convenient, which makes us fall for it. I just need a more disciplined Ruth before I come back. Someone who can manage to just lurk around for half an hour a day, and another half for Messenger. 😉 —feeling proud of myself.
Warm tears still go down my cold face. I started running but I still have a long way. I haven’t tried driving but I’m halfway there. And the only thing I’ve climbed up are the stairs.
Ten months after this post and I’m pretty much still wandering. I turned 21 just this January and though I have figured out some things in life I think I will forever wander. It’s a changing world and how are we going to keep up if we wouldn’t change as well? Only time can tell.
I experienced a lot of firsts in my 20th year and even though the last two quarters of 2015 were somehow bleak, that was also the time when most of the unfamiliar things in life that made me who I am today came. I never asked them to introduce themselves but fate decided to intervene. Oh well. I’ve been to new places, watched more films of my liking, listened to unknown artists, wrote poems on love, met different types of people (and some became my friends), learned more about my demands, aspirations, and necessities, and discovered the pessimistic side of me which was sad. Not to mention my heart bursting with feelings it never knew existed.
It seems like everything turned out well and I felt like I needed to go through whatever happened before in order for me to continue living. I’ve seen the glimpse of my dark side and it’s not pleasing, but I’m proud that I was able to keep my head and be back on my usual strange self. The one that watches thrillers, reads romance, and thinks mermaids are real. The usual strange her made better.
And at night
the same way
I think of
I saw a rainbow earlier this day, when the street was just damp after the light rain.
You are like the rainbow. I didn’t notice when it first came out because of the vastness of the sky and the earthly things I was surrounded by, but when I did, I was mesmerized.
I watched it intently, spellbound by the striking character it unapologetically gives off. Honestly, I thought the rainbow was cocky. Which is bad, even though it has the bragging rights to be.
But little did I know that it was just pretentious. In a sad way that makes me want to hug it tight, hold onto it, and never let it go. The bright colors it shows us are limited and the reason why it places itself up so high is to avoid seeing (and feeling) the happiness in the world.
For rainbows cannot stay here forever.
And just as gradually as the rainbow fades from the sky, you casually walked away from my life.
P.S. This would be one of the many entries in the book of my life, but I would never want to read all that has and all that will ever happen in mine.
We dislike being clingy but we make a way to see each other every week.
We hate dramas but at night we cry to sleep.
We despise lying but we say things we don’t mean.
We get tired of living but we continue to breathe.
That’s the thing about us humans, we demand to be confusing.
P.S. 8.16.16 Daily Post’s Confused.
2.6.15 | 4.39PM
The hand I’m using to write this down will be cut off soon. Day after tomorrow, in particular. But I can still use a voice recognition software to save my thoughts virtually. Or, this I prefer, I can ask someone to write them down for me.
When you truly love something, you will always find a way for it. Remember that, bro.
The paper on the sidewalk contained that note. He ignited a dying flame in my discouraged heart. Now I wanna do theater again.
Daily Post’s Everything Changes.
I recently read a post about happiness and what struck me the most are the first two paragraphs. It questions the quest for happiness and why everyone strive for it even though it’s not constant.
Emotions are not fixed states, they ebb and flow. We do not expect to always feel angry or sad so why does a state of happiness feel like something we should aim for?
I was suddenly asking myself the same thing after reading it. And then I thought of all the other emotions out there and their importance.
I think the emotions build each other up. You wouldn’t be happy unless you’ve experienced being sad. You wouldn’t have known anger unless you’ve been calm. You wouldn’t recognize courage unless you’ve met fear. And you wouldn’t feel this certain emotion unless you’ve learned of their opposite.
Happiness, however, is the state everyone wants to be in because, let’s face it, who wants to be sad? But we should also allow ourselves to take in different emotions. Feel them and give time for them to stay. Ponder some more and reflect on the contrasting moods they offer. Be a little more comfortable and you might find yourself less troubled.
Almost all of us are struggling for happiness, and I don’t think it’s a good sight.